(Alec tried his best to leave his office and get out of the institute as quickly and discreetly as possible. He had been answering questions and putting out fires all day. But of course he had to be stopped three times on his way to the exit. By the time he made it to Magnus’ apartment he was disheveled, out of breath and late. Alec tried to smooth his hair down and and fix his shirt before opening the door. It was unlocked as Magnus had promised it would be and he closed it softly behind him.)
Magnus? I’m sorry I’m late. I had to practically dodge people to get out of there.
( magnus is sitting on the armchair when the door opens, and he quick stands (drink in hand) as alec enters. he gives him a soft smile, reaching for the drink he'd prepared from the drink cart, and walks up to alec. )
Don't worry. I know how hard they make you work. ( he indeed does not sound bothered. he gives alec a greeting kiss, a little too brief, and then puts the drink in his hand. ) I keep it cool with magic for you.
( Alec sighs and takes the drink gratefully. Magnus looks great, as usual and Alec is tempted to put the drink down and continue that way too brief of a kiss. He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed him these last few days. He had just been working so much lately. )
Thanks.
( Alec takes a sip and barely makes a face this time. He’s starting to get used to it. He can already feel the tension melting away. )
I'm fine, ( magnus says, before he takes a sip of his drink. ) I missed you too, Alexander. Thank you for making time.
( he knows it's not easy for alec to, and their schedules don't always coincide. he treasures every minute they get together. more so because of what alec brought up earlier.
he motions toward the couch with a hand. ) Let's sit?
( Alec opens his mouth to say something but shakes his head. He really isn't sure what he was going to say anyway. Some of his worries and anxieties seem silly now that he is here with Magnus. )
Yeah.
( He places his drink down on the coffee table in front of the couch and shrugs out of his jacket, draping it over the arm of the couch before taking a seat. He isn't sure when Magnus' apartment started to feel like home but he is much more comfortable here, more so than at the institute. Here, with just Magnus he could finally be himself. )
So...about earlier. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking how it would affect you too.
( magnus sits next to alec, and can't deny he feels a heart pang at seeing his boyfriend seem so comfortable in his home, taking off his jacket and setting it aside. he rests his glass on his knee, holding it in one hand and looking away from alec, though he does shift so he's seated comfortable against the couch, and close. )
It's a natural thing to be thinking about. ( a hard one, but he doesn't mind that alec thinks about it or brought it up. he would rather they talk about it, though. there's a part of him that's afraid of losing alec. even now. it's what he fears most, and the thought of alec not being able to face their relationship in the future, as he ages and magnus doesn't, is one magnus wishes he could dismiss entirely.
he also wouldn't have offered to talk about it with just anyone. in the past, it's the kind of topic he would have flippantly diverted from, choosing something more cheerful to talk about. for alec to want to be distracted rather than take his offer to talk about it... well, he understands. he does. he doesn't blame him. )
( Alec drapes his arm over the back of the couch, shifting so he's even closer to Magnus. Magnus' shoulder is touching his chest, their legs are pressed together on the cushion. He can't help but think that they fit perfect together like this. )
I guess..
(Maybe the universe was playing a cruel joke on both of them. Alec meant it when he told Magnus he didn't think he could live without him but he wasn't sure how to be okay with all of this. Sure, right now it was easy to forget about it. Alec was young, Magnus found him beautiful but how long until that changed? )
It's not like there's anything we can do to change things. Like you said, it's something you've come to accept.
( they do fit perfectly together like this, and magnus thinks as much as they settle close, hip to hip. magnus feels part of the strain of the day leave him from alec's proximity alone. it's always like this. he could have had the worst day in centuries, but having alec nearby makes it seem a little more distant. this, however, is harder to push away, since it so directly concerns them. )
It's something I don't have a choice but to live with, Alexander. ( he wouldn't say accept. accepting that one day alec won't be of this world anymore and magnus will be without him is not such an easy task. already, it feels bigger than most things he's overcome in the past.
( Alec searches Magnus' face, searching for some hint, some sign that this is bothering Magnus as much as it's bothering him. Or perhaps he's searching for reassurance. Reassurance that this won't change them, that Alec won't just be another mortal Magnus loved until he grew old and frail and died. Reassurance that Magnus will love him the same even then. He knows it's reassurance neither of them can really give. No one knows what the future holds. After all, Shadowhunters didn't always get a chance to grow old. It was common to die young in the line of duty. Maybe all of this was moot. He sighs and leans forward until his forehead rests against Magnus'. A small comofrt. )
I'm concerned that things will change in the future. I'm concerned I'll lose you. I don't want to be just another mortal, just a memory from your past. It's selfish but I want all of you.
( magnus closes his eyes a moment when alec leans his forehead against his own, his drink still held at his leg but entirely forgotten for now. he's thinking about what alec is saying, about his own fear since he brought up the subject. that this might be too hard and alec might choose to leave. he has more faith in alec than he's had in anyone in decades, but this fear stems from centuries of occurrences, from a life time with his mother's suicide and his father's words in his ears and a society that spat them back at him.
one thing is very clear to magnus, and he says it quietly, voice hoarse. )
You're not just another mortal, and you never will be. Never, Alec. ( the thought is laughable. alec changed his life. alec brought him a key he thought had been lost to too many broken hearts.
he opens his eyes and reaches to touch alec's cheek gently. ) This, us, it's not going to change for me. I told you what I was afraid of. I live with the knowledge my fear will come true. ( it's hard to be so honest, to bare himself like this, but it's always been worthwhile to do it with alec, even at times he needed a little push. ) But I'm also afraid I'll lose you before our time is truly up. That it'll be too much, when you get older, and I don't.
( Magnus had said what Alec thought he had wanted to hear. He wasn't just another mortal to Magnus. Alec had spent so much time thinking what it would be like for him, to age as Magnus remained the same, young and beautiful. But what would that be like for Magnus? To watch Alec grow old and die and be left here without him. Magnus had been through it before and this may be Alec's first relationship but even he knew that what they had...it was special, hard to even put into words.
Maybe this would all be too much for the both of them. )
What do we do?
( Alec's voice is hoarse and he leans into Magnus' touch on his cheek. He knows that's a question that can't easily be answered. It's hard to live with the thought of what the future might hold for them but he also knows it would be a lot harder to live without Magnus. That's not an option. )
( magnus had been hoping to hear some reassurance that alec wasn't about to think it so difficult to deal with his immortality that he would leave. he doesn't want to believe alec would do such a thing, but he knows how it goes, has lived it many times before, except never with someone who meant so much.
the question only furthers his fear, but he swallows and waits a moment and doesn't say anything as he wills it to pass. it sounds so much like the start of 'maybe we're too different' again. if this was anyone else he would pull away, finish his drink, summon himself another and say nothing. but it's alec, and magnus respects him too much to be flippant about their relationship. he has never loved anyone like him and never will again. he knows that as well as he knows his own name. )
What do you think we should do? ( as much as alec might have made mistakes, magnus really does value his thoughts, his opinions. alec is wise in his own special way.
that, and since it was alec who brought it up, magnus wants to give him the possibility of choice. even if it means alec might consider leaving. )
( Alec looks down, studying the coffee table in front of him as if the answers were hidden inside the wood grain. There was only one possible answer. He knew deep in his soul that he didn't want anyone else, there was no one else. And the thought of Magnus with someone else....it was unbearable.
Alec finally tears his gaze away from the coffee table to look at Magnus. He looks so open and vulnerable as he so rarely does but Alec knew his guard was still up, waiting for Alec to say this was too much to handle.
Suddenly a small, private smile pulled at the corners of Alec's mouth. )
The only thing we can do. We take it day by day. I want to make every moment I have with you count. Whatever happens....I love you.
( As if he ever had another choice. He can't promise it won't be too much one day but right here, right now with Magnus pressed into his side, the heat from his body warming Alec down to his very bones and chasing away all his doubts and fears, everything else seemed insignificant and far away.)
( seeing alec smile makes magnus smile too, a little reserved, a little unsure, but smiling all the same. he wants to hope alec won't leave. hopes that alec believes he can do this, not that he plans on doing it until he can't anymore. he tries to latch onto whatever happens... i love you, and set aside the centuries of heart break that had piled on so thick he'd closed off his heart entirely.
until alec. he thinks losing him might hurt more than anything he's ever known, so he should get ready. he just doesn't want to get ready for it to come before alec dies. maybe he should. to protect himself. alec isn't promising anything, and magnus can't muster energy to blame him for that. he's a lot to deal with, he knows. one day at a time, that tends to be how it goes. it's true there isn't anything else they can do, is there? that's not news to him, but the fear that his immortality might become an issue feels a little more likely.
he thinks about all this as he holds alec's gaze, then lets out a sigh and nods, once. )
Okay. Day by day. ( his thumb strokes at alec's cheek, then his hand drops to his chest, over his heart. ) I love you too, Alexander.
( Alec places his hand over Magnus’ where it rests on his chest. Magnus didn’t have to say anything for Alec to know that he wasn’t really doing a great job at reassuring him. He gives Magnus’ hand a squeeze and leans in, dipping his head to capture Magnus’ lips in a kiss. It’s slow and hot and sweet and Alec is trying to convey everything he isn’t able to say with words. He’s never been great with words anyway, actions came easier to him.
When he pulls away he’s flushed and slightly breathless. )
Magnus I...I meant it when I said I don’t think I can live without you. I’m not going anywhere.
( magnus is equally breathless when alec pulls away, and chases after his lips like he so often does. he never wants their kisses to end. especially not ones like these, where he can feel everything alec is feeling, when he's being told with actions just how much he means. the words help, on top of the kiss, and he the tight vice on his lungs loosens, the cold hand around his heart lets go, and he soaks it all in as he lets out a shaky breath. )
You might have to remind me, sometimes... ( not that he doesn't believe alec, because he does. completely. but his heart is old and he's afraid of nothing but losing this man. it's a terrifying thought, and he hates feeling this vulnerable, but thinks being open with alec is more important. he's learned that recently, hasn't he?
waving a hand to dismiss his drink, magnus shifts a little closer, angling toward alec. ) Kiss me again?
( Who was he to say no? Alec was powerless to Magnus. At least that's how it felt in moments like this, with Magnus so close, his breath warm and sweet against Alec's face. The future seems like a lifetime away. All that matters is this.
Alec brings a hand up, cradling Magnus' face, his thumb brushing Magnus' lower lip, red and swollen from their kiss. He's afraid Magnus can feel his heart racing in his chest as it so often does around him. Would every kiss feel like the first? )
I'll just make sure I keep reminding you then... ( Starting now, he thinks, closing the small distance between them even as he pulls Magnus closer at the same time. This time Alec feels the kiss down to his very bones, like an electric current running through his body, waking up his nerve endings. He doesn't think he could ever get sick of this.
( magnus doesn't need to pulled much to get closer, already in the process of doing so. his attempt to get closer still (difficult; he'd a little sideways and turned at the middle and his knee presses against alec's leg) is halted by the kiss he requested.
it shouldn't feel so shocking, when he asked for it and expected it. it's not that he's taken by surprise, but that it's like a jolt that courses through him. like the very first time they kissed. some raw, powerful reaction to feel alec press his lips to his own, another language between them that conveys what words can't always.
so he kisses alec back, lips parted, tasting him and telling him what he couldn't say. it's too hard to tell alec he will be devastated when this ends, whether it be in 20 years or 60, that no amount of preparing for it could make it easier, that he's grateful for every minute they do get to have and have had so far, that he's grateful alec is there for him and supports him even at his lowest. grateful alec loves him still. and thankful to be allowed to love him back in turn. because he loves him more than he thought he could ever love someone. that distance between himself and everyone else? it's not there with alec. it's like he's part of him, of his life, in a way no one has ever been.
magnus' hand moves and his fingers curl into his hair by his ear and then magnus unfortunately has to gather his breath. not before he says part of what his lips were trying to say, though. ) I love you.
( This time it’s Alec that finds himself chasing Magnus’ lips. His hand falls from Magnus’ jaw line to his knee pressed against Alec’s leg and he squeezes.
It’s stupid and irrational but he feels like if he lets go this spell they’re under will break, they’ll both realize they’re crazy for thinking this will work. Magnus will open his eyes and realize it would be easier to be with someone more like him, a Downworlder, an immortal.
Instead, Magnus says “I love you”, his breath sweet and gentle on Alec’s lips and when Alec finally works up the courage to open his eyes, there’s no trace of the look he saw that night at the institute, when Magnus decided this was impossible and walked away from everything. All he sees is love. Love and vulnerability and maybe a little fear. Alec still can’t wrap his head around the fact that someone like Magnus Bane is afraid of Alec hurting him. The thought of hurting Magnus is so ridiculous he can’t even fathom it.
He lets out a sigh of relief, all of the tension melting away. He hadn’t even realized he was waiting, bracing himself for the other shoe to drop until he opened his eyes.
His voice is breathless and a little hoarse from the weight of everything he’s feeling right now. )
I love you too, Magnus. More than I know how to tell you...
( there's no way magnus will ever let go of alec again. he thought he had to, even knowing he was being manipulated by the queen, thought that to keep his people safe he had to sacrifice the one thing that made him feel happier than he could ever remember being. it made sense, in a strange sort of way. when had magnus been allowed anything so worthwhile?
he's not going anywhere. now he would rather work to be a good leader with alec at his side. he's better that way. alec makes him stronger. his fears stem from so much of his life being taught he wasn't worth it, that he was a monster. not from any doubt about his feelings for alec, now alec's feelings for him.
he wants to be better. he doesn't want to be afraid. he wants to keep feeling alec's steady heartbeat beneath his hand and give no thought to the voices of anyone that came before, of other shadowhunters, of history. he's loved by alec. and he loves alec back. that's a wonderful thing meant to be treasured and protected. )
Words don't feel like they're enough, do they? ( his smile is shy and almost conspiratorial. it means me too, i understand, it's the same for me. ) We'll just have to keep showing each other.
( Alec's thumb is brushing Magnus' knee where his hand still rests and he's distracted for a moment by Magnus' smile and the heat of Magnus' hand on his chest. Magnus must be able to feel Alec's heart pounding now. It feels like it's going to beat right out of his chest. )
I know I'm not--I wish I was better at showing you. But I'll try. ( You make me want to be better is what he doesn't say.
It's not a secret to anyone that knows him that Alec is great with feelings. Putting those feelings into words is even more difficult for him. He isn't one to wear his emotions on his sleeve and before Magnus...he kept a wall up even his own family couldn't tear down. He wants to change, to be better for Magnus. He wants to be someone who deserves Magnus Bane. He knows he's made mistakes...a lot of mistakes and he's afraid he will only make more. Hunting demons, leading the New York Institute, these things came naturally to him. Navigating a relationship was a whole other matter. )
Like I said...we always find our way back to each other.
( he can, and he hopes alec knows his own is doing the same. quite a feat, to have magnus bane's heart racing, and yet alec can accomplish it with a smile, with some honest words, with a kiss or a touch or even a look. he takes magnus' breath away.
it pains him to hear alec be self deprecating. to him, there's nothing about alec he would ask to change. )
We do. You were right about that. ( it's a soft admission. magnus' hand returns to alec's cheek, drawing his eyes to his own. he wants alec to hear what he's saying very well, to know magnus means it and isn't simply appeasing him. that he's telling alec the truth, and is bearing himself a little further to his boyfriend. )
It's not you, Alexander. You're better at showing me than... ( a small laugh ) anyone I've loved. I'm not used to it. ( he hopes to clarify, because he doesn't want alec to think he isn't showing him his love hard enough. it's perfect. even with the mistakes he's made, magnus has never doubted alec's feelings for him. ) You remember, when you told me this was new for you? I said it was for me too. It's never been like this with anyone, but I think that only makes what would normally be idle fears louder. I don't want to lose you. ( a breath. ) I can't lose you.
( Hearing Magnus say that, the sound of his voice, the fear laid bare for Alec to see, it was almost to much. He knew in that moment that he would never stop fighting for this, for them. He knew he would go to the ends of the Earth if that's what it takes.
His hand finds Magnus' where it's resting on his cheek and he squeezes. )
Magnus, look at me. You won't lose me. You and I...this is it. This is all I want. All the other stuff...it doesn't matter. I love you, we can overcome it.
( Maybe he was naive, but Alec feels it down to his core. They love each other, that had to be enough. )
I mean... ( He smiles, devilish and coy. ) I'm no Casanova but I think I can make you pretty happy.
( having alec over often was a delight. so much so, in fact, that magnus' loft often felt empty and cold when he was gone. this place had been his home for a long time, yet it felt different, nowadays. there was an absence, one he realised he never felt when alec was there with him.
it made him want more of that. he knew it was complicated, maybe impossible, for alec to really live with him.
but it didn't stop his heart from wanting it badly. seeing alec make himself more and more at home tugged at this desire. so did the constant knowledge that his time with alec was limited. he wanted every minute with him he could have. )
Maybe I should make more room for some of your things here, what do you think? ( they had been sitting in companionable silence for a moment, magnus lost in his thoughts about this. it seems like a possible foot in the door to bring this up, maybe an opportunity to suss out if it's something alec would like for him to ask. )
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@magnusimsorry / tfln overflow
Okay. The door will be open, Alexander.
[ i am ok with continuing!! hope you don't mind i moved this to avoid captcha too!! ]
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(Alec tried his best to leave his office and get out of the institute as quickly and discreetly as possible. He had been answering questions and putting out fires all day. But of course he had to be stopped three times on his way to the exit. By the time he made it to Magnus’ apartment he was disheveled, out of breath and late. Alec tried to smooth his hair down and and fix his shirt before opening the door. It was unlocked as Magnus had promised it would be and he closed it softly behind him.)
Magnus? I’m sorry I’m late. I had to practically dodge people to get out of there.
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Don't worry. I know how hard they make you work. ( he indeed does not sound bothered. he gives alec a greeting kiss, a little too brief, and then puts the drink in his hand. ) I keep it cool with magic for you.
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Thanks.
( Alec takes a sip and barely makes a face this time. He’s starting to get used to it. He can already feel the tension melting away. )
How are you? I missed you.
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( he knows it's not easy for alec to, and their schedules don't always coincide. he treasures every minute they get together. more so because of what alec brought up earlier.
he motions toward the couch with a hand. ) Let's sit?
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Yeah.
( He places his drink down on the coffee table in front of the couch and shrugs out of his jacket, draping it over the arm of the couch before taking a seat. He isn't sure when Magnus' apartment started to feel like home but he is much more comfortable here, more so than at the institute. Here, with just Magnus he could finally be himself. )
So...about earlier. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking how it would affect you too.
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It's a natural thing to be thinking about. ( a hard one, but he doesn't mind that alec thinks about it or brought it up. he would rather they talk about it, though. there's a part of him that's afraid of losing alec. even now. it's what he fears most, and the thought of alec not being able to face their relationship in the future, as he ages and magnus doesn't, is one magnus wishes he could dismiss entirely.
he also wouldn't have offered to talk about it with just anyone. in the past, it's the kind of topic he would have flippantly diverted from, choosing something more cheerful to talk about. for alec to want to be distracted rather than take his offer to talk about it... well, he understands. he does. he doesn't blame him. )
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I guess..
(Maybe the universe was playing a cruel joke on both of them. Alec meant it when he told Magnus he didn't think he could live without him but he wasn't sure how to be okay with all of this. Sure, right now it was easy to forget about it. Alec was young, Magnus found him beautiful but how long until that changed? )
It's not like there's anything we can do to change things. Like you said, it's something you've come to accept.
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It's something I don't have a choice but to live with, Alexander. ( he wouldn't say accept. accepting that one day alec won't be of this world anymore and magnus will be without him is not such an easy task. already, it feels bigger than most things he's overcome in the past.
he turns a searching, vulnerable gaze to alec. )
What is it about it that concerns you, right now?
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I'm concerned that things will change in the future. I'm concerned I'll lose you. I don't want to be just another mortal, just a memory from your past. It's selfish but I want all of you.
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one thing is very clear to magnus, and he says it quietly, voice hoarse. )
You're not just another mortal, and you never will be. Never, Alec. ( the thought is laughable. alec changed his life. alec brought him a key he thought had been lost to too many broken hearts.
he opens his eyes and reaches to touch alec's cheek gently. ) This, us, it's not going to change for me. I told you what I was afraid of. I live with the knowledge my fear will come true. ( it's hard to be so honest, to bare himself like this, but it's always been worthwhile to do it with alec, even at times he needed a little push. ) But I'm also afraid I'll lose you before our time is truly up. That it'll be too much, when you get older, and I don't.
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Maybe this would all be too much for the both of them. )
What do we do?
( Alec's voice is hoarse and he leans into Magnus' touch on his cheek. He knows that's a question that can't easily be answered. It's hard to live with the thought of what the future might hold for them but he also knows it would be a lot harder to live without Magnus. That's not an option. )
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the question only furthers his fear, but he swallows and waits a moment and doesn't say anything as he wills it to pass. it sounds so much like the start of 'maybe we're too different' again. if this was anyone else he would pull away, finish his drink, summon himself another and say nothing. but it's alec, and magnus respects him too much to be flippant about their relationship. he has never loved anyone like him and never will again. he knows that as well as he knows his own name. )
What do you think we should do? ( as much as alec might have made mistakes, magnus really does value his thoughts, his opinions. alec is wise in his own special way.
that, and since it was alec who brought it up, magnus wants to give him the possibility of choice. even if it means alec might consider leaving. )
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Alec finally tears his gaze away from the coffee table to look at Magnus. He looks so open and vulnerable as he so rarely does but Alec knew his guard was still up, waiting for Alec to say this was too much to handle.
Suddenly a small, private smile pulled at the corners of Alec's mouth. )
The only thing we can do. We take it day by day. I want to make every moment I have with you count. Whatever happens....I love you.
( As if he ever had another choice. He can't promise it won't be too much one day but right here, right now with Magnus pressed into his side, the heat from his body warming Alec down to his very bones and chasing away all his doubts and fears, everything else seemed insignificant and far away.)
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until alec. he thinks losing him might hurt more than anything he's ever known, so he should get ready. he just doesn't want to get ready for it to come before alec dies. maybe he should. to protect himself. alec isn't promising anything, and magnus can't muster energy to blame him for that. he's a lot to deal with, he knows. one day at a time, that tends to be how it goes. it's true there isn't anything else they can do, is there? that's not news to him, but the fear that his immortality might become an issue feels a little more likely.
he thinks about all this as he holds alec's gaze, then lets out a sigh and nods, once. )
Okay. Day by day. ( his thumb strokes at alec's cheek, then his hand drops to his chest, over his heart. ) I love you too, Alexander.
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When he pulls away he’s flushed and slightly breathless. )
Magnus I...I meant it when I said I don’t think I can live without you. I’m not going anywhere.
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You might have to remind me, sometimes... ( not that he doesn't believe alec, because he does. completely. but his heart is old and he's afraid of nothing but losing this man. it's a terrifying thought, and he hates feeling this vulnerable, but thinks being open with alec is more important. he's learned that recently, hasn't he?
waving a hand to dismiss his drink, magnus shifts a little closer, angling toward alec. ) Kiss me again?
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Alec brings a hand up, cradling Magnus' face, his thumb brushing Magnus' lower lip, red and swollen from their kiss. He's afraid Magnus can feel his heart racing in his chest as it so often does around him. Would every kiss feel like the first? )
I'll just make sure I keep reminding you then... ( Starting now, he thinks, closing the small distance between them even as he pulls Magnus closer at the same time. This time Alec feels the kiss down to his very bones, like an electric current running through his body, waking up his nerve endings. He doesn't think he could ever get sick of this.
So Alec reminds him again...and again.)
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it shouldn't feel so shocking, when he asked for it and expected it. it's not that he's taken by surprise, but that it's like a jolt that courses through him. like the very first time they kissed. some raw, powerful reaction to feel alec press his lips to his own, another language between them that conveys what words can't always.
so he kisses alec back, lips parted, tasting him and telling him what he couldn't say. it's too hard to tell alec he will be devastated when this ends, whether it be in 20 years or 60, that no amount of preparing for it could make it easier, that he's grateful for every minute they do get to have and have had so far, that he's grateful alec is there for him and supports him even at his lowest. grateful alec loves him still. and thankful to be allowed to love him back in turn. because he loves him more than he thought he could ever love someone. that distance between himself and everyone else? it's not there with alec. it's like he's part of him, of his life, in a way no one has ever been.
magnus' hand moves and his fingers curl into his hair by his ear and then magnus unfortunately has to gather his breath. not before he says part of what his lips were trying to say, though. ) I love you.
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It’s stupid and irrational but he feels like if he lets go this spell they’re under will break, they’ll both realize they’re crazy for thinking this will work. Magnus will open his eyes and realize it would be easier to be with someone more like him, a Downworlder, an immortal.
Instead, Magnus says “I love you”, his breath sweet and gentle on Alec’s lips and when Alec finally works up the courage to open his eyes, there’s no trace of the look he saw that night at the institute, when Magnus decided this was impossible and walked away from everything. All he sees is love. Love and vulnerability and maybe a little fear. Alec still can’t wrap his head around the fact that someone like Magnus Bane is afraid of Alec hurting him. The thought of hurting Magnus is so ridiculous he can’t even fathom it.
He lets out a sigh of relief, all of the tension melting away. He hadn’t even realized he was waiting, bracing himself for the other shoe to drop until he opened his eyes.
His voice is breathless and a little hoarse from the weight of everything he’s feeling right now. )
I love you too, Magnus. More than I know how to tell you...
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he's not going anywhere. now he would rather work to be a good leader with alec at his side. he's better that way. alec makes him stronger. his fears stem from so much of his life being taught he wasn't worth it, that he was a monster. not from any doubt about his feelings for alec, now alec's feelings for him.
he wants to be better. he doesn't want to be afraid. he wants to keep feeling alec's steady heartbeat beneath his hand and give no thought to the voices of anyone that came before, of other shadowhunters, of history. he's loved by alec. and he loves alec back. that's a wonderful thing meant to be treasured and protected. )
Words don't feel like they're enough, do they? ( his smile is shy and almost conspiratorial. it means me too, i understand, it's the same for me. ) We'll just have to keep showing each other.
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I know I'm not--I wish I was better at showing you. But I'll try. ( You make me want to be better is what he doesn't say.
It's not a secret to anyone that knows him that Alec is great with feelings. Putting those feelings into words is even more difficult for him. He isn't one to wear his emotions on his sleeve and before Magnus...he kept a wall up even his own family couldn't tear down. He wants to change, to be better for Magnus. He wants to be someone who deserves Magnus Bane. He knows he's made mistakes...a lot of mistakes and he's afraid he will only make more. Hunting demons, leading the New York Institute, these things came naturally to him. Navigating a relationship was a whole other matter. )
Like I said...we always find our way back to each other.
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it pains him to hear alec be self deprecating. to him, there's nothing about alec he would ask to change. )
We do. You were right about that. ( it's a soft admission. magnus' hand returns to alec's cheek, drawing his eyes to his own. he wants alec to hear what he's saying very well, to know magnus means it and isn't simply appeasing him. that he's telling alec the truth, and is bearing himself a little further to his boyfriend. )
It's not you, Alexander. You're better at showing me than... ( a small laugh ) anyone I've loved. I'm not used to it. ( he hopes to clarify, because he doesn't want alec to think he isn't showing him his love hard enough. it's perfect. even with the mistakes he's made, magnus has never doubted alec's feelings for him. ) You remember, when you told me this was new for you? I said it was for me too. It's never been like this with anyone, but I think that only makes what would normally be idle fears louder. I don't want to lose you. ( a breath. ) I can't lose you.
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His hand finds Magnus' where it's resting on his cheek and he squeezes. )
Magnus, look at me. You won't lose me. You and I...this is it. This is all I want. All the other stuff...it doesn't matter. I love you, we can overcome it.
( Maybe he was naive, but Alec feels it down to his core. They love each other, that had to be enough. )
I mean... ( He smiles, devilish and coy. ) I'm no Casanova but I think I can make you pretty happy.
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Sorry for the delay! I was away for the weekend and unexpectedly didn’t have any service :(
its no problem at all!! i hope you had a nice weekend in spite of having no service ;u;
Thank you! I’m glad I have service again :) I hope you had a good weekend too!
I CAN IMAGINE i would feel the same!! and thank you, i did!! :D
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@magnusimsorry
it made him want more of that. he knew it was complicated, maybe impossible, for alec to really live with him.
but it didn't stop his heart from wanting it badly. seeing alec make himself more and more at home tugged at this desire. so did the constant knowledge that his time with alec was limited. he wanted every minute with him he could have. )
Maybe I should make more room for some of your things here, what do you think? ( they had been sitting in companionable silence for a moment, magnus lost in his thoughts about this. it seems like a possible foot in the door to bring this up, maybe an opportunity to suss out if it's something alec would like for him to ask. )